Roots Rails & Rambles

Toronto-Vancouver-Winnipeg-Churchill-Toronto-Chicago-Denver-Los Angeles-Grand Canyon-Winslow-Albuquerque-Durango-Silverton-Chama-Santa Fe-Los Angeles-Seattle-Whitefish-Portland-Toronto-Vancouver-Winnipeg-Churchill-Toronto-Chicago-Denver-Los Angeles-Grand Canyon-Winslow-Albuquerque-Durango-Silverton-Chama-Santa Fe-Los Angeles-Seattle-Whitefish-Portland-and repeat

DAVE ALVIN • PHIL ALVIN • PETER CASE • THE WAINWRIGHT FAMILY • JON LANGFORD • JON DEE GRAHAM • DAVID OLNEY • JOHN DOE • RICK SHEA • CHRISTY McWILSON • JESSE WINCHESTER • JIMMY WEBB • STEVE YOUNG • COWBOY JUNKIES • TOM RUSSELL • IAN TYSON • NANCI GRIFFITH • GRETCHEN PETERS • OVER THE RHINE • FRED EAGLESMITH • ROGER MARIN • THE FLATLANDERS • CHRIS SMITHER • PETER MULVEY • MARY GAUTHIER  • RICHARD SHINDELL with special guests KLOPPERS & HOLMES, BETTYSOO, ANDY HARDIN, MICHAEL MARTIN, THAD BECKMAN and many, many, many more....

Send your loved ones into their twilight years on an endlessly entertaining journey -featuring their favorite musicians- that actually goes no place at all. 

Coots on the Rails is the ultimate in immersive-lifestyle assisted living!

The vintage streamlined railroad cars of LA Rail will be home to your equally-vintage oldsters for the rest of their days on earth. Securely parked next to Elmer's Bottle Tree Ranch just outside of Barstow, California on a lonely - though easily accessible for emergency vehicles- siding, and cushioned by gently-rocking hydraulics that provide a reasonable facsimile of motion, swathed in digital window-blinds on which the American landscape rolls past (and occasionally grinds to an unexplained halt), Coots on the Rails will trick your beloved elders into thinking that they are on an epic journey on the rails that built America.

From the sprawl of LA to the wide open spaces of Texas; from the Brazos River to the grain fields of the Great Plains. From Chicago and the Mighty Mississippi, through the Rockies, up the coast to Vancouver, Prince Rupert, Jasper, Winnipeg and to Churchill, then to Toronto, Chicago and down to New Orleans and across Texas to Los Angeles, only to start all over again.... yes, this is truly an unforgettable adventure, especially for those with short -or long term- memory loss!

Your hosts in the Performance Car are CONDUCTOR BILL HATRICK (his distinctive railroad outfit makes it easy for forgetful minds to recognize Bill) and his kind and patient wife, DEBBIE. Although approaching utter deafness, DAN RICHARDSON will still smilingly twiddle knobs, and ELSABE KLOPPERS will call out (largely imaginary) wildlife sightings in between renditions of "Fisherman's Blues." The legendary ROBBIE FULKS, fond as he is of the aged and infirm, will serve as emcee, accompanied by an amazing lineup of musical guests, courtesy of the film archives of JOE RAY SKRHA. Each day, Gramps and Grandma can enjoy favorite performers -and performances- over and over again! Just imagine - "Gallo de Cielo" every day of the year (and - through the magic of Pro Tools, be sure to catch the version where the chicken's beak does NOT crack and Carlos Zaragoza returns to claim the land that Zapata stole from father long ago! The toothless grins that version engenders are enough to warm the coldest heart)!

Freshly-prepared, easy to chew meals in our own dome/lounge car, SILVER SPLENDOR, with beer and wine enough to keep colicky oldsters in a mild torpor, are dispensed around the clock by the CAESTEKER FAMILY. And who would dare miss SARAH OVENDEN's crocheting circles every afternoon in the downstairs lounge? For those still spry enough to climb a flight of stairs, flickering electric candles (no hot flames on which old fingers might burn themselves!) and personalized service in the dome awaits, although the front seat will be taken at all times by the semi-comatose CHARLIE HUNTER, staring blankly at the glass in front of him, occasionally croaking "ooh! ooh!" as particularly decrepit patches of landscape roll by. 

Lovingly restored sleeping cars from the golden age of streamliners make for an unforgettable assisted-living experience. Just think! No danger of Gramps wandering off and commandeering a Buick and driving it into a swimming pool when TRACY LIU is there to direct him either to the left or right - toward food or toward entertainment. Life becomes very simple indeed.

Which is not to say that there's no place for mischief (albeit well-supervised) on Coots on the Rails! Far from it! For those wishing to dodder on the Wild Side, there is the "Baggage Car" where JON DEE GRAHAM holds forth, leading feeble voices in Iggy Pop sing-alongs, and certain medicinally-approved substances are surreptitiously shared. And should a medical emergency strike, rest assured that WYNELLE SNOW is there to offer aid around the clock (she gets a substantial discount, so don't be shy). Though be aware that she is more of a shrink, so certain medical procedures may be a bit rusty.

Each single "roomette" features a sink and vanity (deluxe roomettes feature toilets!) and a "double bedroom" for couples ensures that if both oldsters wish to sleep at night, at least one of them will have to stay active enough to climb the ladder to the upper bunk. Deluxe "bedroom suites" are available for the one-percenters.

Get ready for a non-stop musical adventure with Coots on the Rails.... all aboard!

Sign up today, by e-mailing Sarah Ovenden at Coots on the Rails, or by calling us today! TRIP IS LIMITED TO 45 PATRONS (but we'll be keeping a waiting list - spots will certainly be becoming available).

THE FINE PRINT

Flying Under Radar, LLC shall not be held responsible for or any damages resulting from illness, personal injuries or death -ESPECIALLY DEATH- which may be sustained by reason of, or while engaged on, any trip or tour. Seriously, we've all got to go sometime, okay? We can assume no liability due to any cause whatsoever, so just forget about suing us. Flying Under Radar, LLC reserves the right (at its discretion) to send your oldster gimping across the desert for any reason whatsoever and without allowance or refund. Although all artists are contracted to appear, many are no longer on this physical plane, so lineup is potentially subject to change due to the fact that they are, well, dead, and that Joe Ray hasn't yet gotten around to editing the footage of their performances. We reserve the right to wander off into the desert ourselves, in which case payment will be refunded without further obligation on our part, although DOUG SPINN will probably be pissed and send MIKE MULDER after us. Flying Under Radar, LLC shall not be responsible for any injury to person (whether or not resulting in death) or damage to property, even if the hydraulics act up and start behaving like that stretch of track just outside Yazoo City on the City of New Orleans. Flying Under Radar, LLC strongly urges individual passengers (or their heirs) to obtain appropriate insurance coverage. Baggage -emotional or otherwise- is at the owner's risk entirely. Flying Under Radar, LLC and Roots on the Rails management reserve the right to refuse service to anyone whom it considers to be a jerk.